The unbearable weight of communication

Think of a life where you cut off contact with the world. It’s like trying to live alone on a deserted island. Imagine achieving that in a day, two days, a week, a month, maybe a year. Do you think this situation can continue like this? Or does the desire to communicate start to scorch you and push you to look for ways to communicate? Except for exceptional cases, it is not possible for us to completely exclude ourselves from society and retreat into seclusion. Even in our most empty days, we communicate with someone in some way.
These communications we establish affect our day, our emotions and our thoughts. At this point, the concept of communication, which sounds very simple, starts to gain importance. So what is the significance? You can say: “Everybody has a mouth and a tongue, everybody can express their thoughts.”. If that’s what you’re thinking, I can’t say it’s wrong. However, if not wrong, it is a fact that it is extremely lacking.
Communication is a concrete expression of every living thing’s effort to express itself, try to be understood, assimilate and make sense of the world around it. It goes far beyond just talking to each other with words or body movements. The way we present ourselves to other people shapes our image in their minds and how they approach us based on that image. As you can see, talking is just the tip of the iceberg. Observe the people around you in the role of a scientist. Pay attention to what they say to each other. How deep are the topics? Are they trying to understand each other? Or do they just break the silence because it’s so hard to keep quiet? The best setting for making this observation is your own life. Observing the communication between your parents or between you and your spouse, lover, friends will give you materials to think about. We have asked questions so far, but there are still more questions to be asked. “Does the inability to tell each other what they want play a role in the problems that arise between them?”, “Does either side feel that after a discussion, one of the two parties really hasn’t been able to reveal their minds?”, or “Is there a communication that satisfies both parties?”. As soon as I started writing the article, questions began to run through my mind and bother me. Every question wanted to be answered, but each brought new questions with it. Perhaps the only question that I feel close to answering is: “How are we so unfamiliar with a concept we use in every aspect of our lives?”. I tried to answer this question by leaving the interpersonal relationship and focusing on the individual. It wasn’t basically other people we were alienated from and alienated from. We were so far from ourselves. It did not make sense to expect a person who could not know himself to know and understand another. Maybe that’s why our relationships were superficial. In the process of searching for ourselves, we had lost our way so much that the anxiety of this situation prevented us from touching others passing by. Our alienated self had become one of our greatest fears. Man, who has been trying to eliminate uncertainty for thousands of years, created the greatest uncertainty within himself. I’ve come to call it the “fear of me”. So, how did the person who was afraid of his true self continue his life and relationships? Of course, by keeping the behavior, thoughts and feelings that everyone wears as a mask can accept. The number of these masks was limited, and we began to see people around us who were similar in character. As we put on the masks, we got used to them and slowly gave up on our self-knowledge. In the end, we were left with a desire for expression and emotions that could not really come out. When we have a problem, we cannot understand whether the source is us or someone else. Or rather, our own share of the problem and the share of others.
We cannot distinguish. In order to get rid of this situation, we attribute the problem to external causes and create more problems than solutions.
How do we find the selves we lost in the darkness inside? First, we must begin by accepting that we are the creator of this darkness. As an individual, we have come this far ourselves and are responsible for the situation we are in. People with strong or weak influences have entered our lives. It has had an impact on our decisions. But again, it’s up to us to finally make the decision and implement it. Doesn’t your effort go completely in vain when you look outside for the problem with your current situation? If the problem is with others, why bother? Think about it, if there is a problem in any of your relationships, is it possible that only one person is responsible for this problem? Relationships and communications are initiated with more than one person, and the resulting product is the co-production of the participants. If there is a problem, we have our share, even a small one, and the truth is that this is the only area we can change. We can influence others, but it is impossible to change them unless they want to. If we proceed with this logic, it will turn out that the only right move is to focus primarily on our own share in every aspect of our lives. Because focusing on others’ shares and expecting them to change it is in a way the same as putting ourselves at their mercy. As this desire continues, we realize that it insists on not coming to change in our relationships. Because not only you, but also the person in front of you acts with the same desire. In the end, it stays where it is without taking any steps on either side. “When I try to change things, others make no effort.” you can say. Again, you are not wrong. But what matters is not what others are doing. When you think about something and act for change, you are basically doing something for yourself. You approach the problem from different points and add something to yourself. You work in your own area of ​​responsibility. There is always the possibility that others may not react differently in this situation, and that falls within their area of ​​responsibility. Also, think of it this way: When you communicate the way you always do, things are unlikely to be different. But when you change something in yourself, the options increase. It is possible that you will get a different reaction. Noticing the change in you, the person in front of you may realize that he or she also needs to communicate through a different channel. Another plus is that you can express yourself more easily as you first turn to yourself and look for answers to some questions and take a step towards change in this process. You will see that the satisfaction that this situation creates for you is completely different.
Much more can be said about communication. As I said at the beginning, communication in the sense we use in daily life is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much to master. If you first turn to yourself and focus on your share in every type of communication you enter, you will realize that the rest comes.